Stage 2 - Part 2 - "Showing my hand 2 - That Personal Touch"

This blog has a huge personal tone to it, and thus I warn that the moment you're feel like you're reading 14 year old emo literature please stop and watch this, and come back. You may feel a little more pumped and able to carry on!

Any mainstream characters you can't find here?

As this blog has hopefully communicated, I love video games. It must have been ever since the first game I ever played, Jumping Jack on the Spectrum, that I felt games needed to be a part of my life. Sometimes nothing will make me happier than sitting alone in a room for hours on end playing Pixeljunk Shooter, or Final Fantasy 7, or more recently Battlefield: Bad Company 2. If I can recall correctly, I was willing to risk an outright ass whooping at the age of 6 just so I could play Streets of Rage 2.

Safe to say, I believe that I will never stop loving my games, nor will I ever fall astray of the progression and continued advancements being made annually, HOWEVER, something has started to push its way to the surface that is not allowing me to be at rest all hours of the day. Before I go on I would like to say that I never really knew where I wanted to go in the industry. I never truly understood exactly what it would entail to progress and move up the ladder, because I have only really spent 8 months actually working IN the industry, 1 of which actually meant something to me. It was as if I had managed to trick myself into believing that I could indeed just take a step in through the front door, and tell designers, directors and producers alike that I am equally as valuable to the company as they are so the idea of having to actually work through the ranks was deemed unnecessary! Of course now, I see this as being arrogant, naive and conceited, but we all manage to make mistakes in our heads, so I have forgiven myself!

What has been a consistent theme in my working life has been my unfortunate downfall as of late, wherein up until now I could not have cared less about it. It had always been taken aside and spoken to about it, but I never really took it to heart. Now that I have managed to spend some time in development and seen the atmosphere I hoped to work in, I can see now that it is indeed a problem.

If you haven't guessed it already, then I should probably tell you. It is the volume of my voice. Those of you who know me already might be smiling by now in recognition of this subject matter. For everyone who has yet to hear the dulcet tones of my vocals then I can tell you now, I am most likely to be closer to your side of the fence than others. It's my voice and I'm used to it so I can't tell how loud I am, but I always wonder if it is like this guy, Christopher Judge...

or maybe more like this guy, Lenny Henry...

I am in no question that I know what everyone will say, to which I say in MY HEAD it's Christopher Judge, so fuck you!

On top of this, if you can picture a guy with a voice like either of these two men, but also LOVES to talk, joke and laugh, then you can see where the problem lies. This is where I am. Now, you will automatically think, well if you love games and the industry so much, why don't do what everyone says and shut the fuck up? I have considered this, and in short the answer is no. I do love these things, but if there is one thing I love more than video games, it is being who I am. A good woman can shut me up, oh she can shut me up for days. But video games cannot, and thus will not. It upsets me that my personality is the barrier between me and my career path, and the compatibility does not sit well. But I have been on dates like this, and have found it easy enough to turn around and accept that it just would not work.

I see myself as this wall and video games and my career are on the other side, but I'll be damned if I knock it down because I love it. I would much rather work my way along to find out if there is a little hole someone missed out so I could squeeze through and keep everything intact and looking beautiful!! I will also ignore the idea that a lot of this particular wall might be is covered in piss and cigarette butts... this analogy is not perfect.

By no means is this me bowing out, but more of a discussion note for myself to rethink my motives and appropriate opportunities for me to continue enjoying games and feeling like I am still a part of it one way or another. I just know for a fact now, that development is not it. The idea that I would be sat in a room amongst programmers, animators and modellers who are all quietly working on the tiniest bit of detail and thus require the utmost focus and attention just doesn't make for a good working environment for me. People might miss me, as they apparently have done in the past, but managers and bosses specifically will not! I have come to terms with this already.

I had considered muzzles once, but that turned me on, so after I sorted myself out I decided against thinking about itThat poor dictaphone...

I kinda want this in humugous size, framed and hung on my wall

NOTE: For the above picture, because it is AWESOME, the link to view it in full is here.


If you have anything you wish to share with me or indeed the readers, feel free to comment or e-mail me at twentyfiveand0@hotmail.co.uk - Don't forget to check outthe What Have I Been Playing pages found on the right! OR Check out my channel at www.youtube.com/ike1luv