What Have I Been Playing? - Bayonetta (PS3)

You know those moments when you are watching a film with your parents, and suddenly there comes a passionate love making scene, and you become very aware of who you are sharing this viewing experience with...?

I get that feeling by myself playing Bayonetta. I get confused between guilt, disgust, shame and arousal, and that is purely just looking at it. There are so many crotch/side boob shots that, as a guy I almost got to the point where I have to turn it off and get my online fix for 5 minutes just to release myself from Nipple Prison. It is quite horrendous at point but, like any pervert would, I can honestly say it worked! For me anyway... and please tell me whether or not I should be judged but... I actually got MORE turned on when Bayonetta gets referred to as Mum. Just saying, sometimes it works for me.

This would be about 60% of the game

So yeah Bayonetta is about... a witch who grew up over 500 years and had an eye that someone wanted and there was this other witch who also wanted it and all these demons or angels kept coming through this portal to kill her and then this little girl was running away and a journalist, who obviously knew Bayonetta well, joins the fray and... this is basically how the story is in my head. I could not and, after about 5 hours of play, would not follow the story. The cutscenes were cool, some done with animation, some done as stills in the form of film reels, but the subject matter of each scene was nauseating and dull. There is actually a point mid monologue where one of the characters yawns! I have never felt such connection with an artificial human before!

She's like an oversexed Lara Croft... oh she is British

Now although the story went right over my head, the gameplay was very close to bullseye. The combos are enough to keep you busy trying to be original, but you won't see yourself swamped with the possibilities. There is a comfortable number of weapons to go with too, both for melee and with guns. The idea of having shotguns somehow fastened to high heels and then blasting enemies while doing a windmill just isn't something you find in other games. Bayonetta's fluid and excellent array of combos and moves are impressive and, like any game with combat should, made me feel good about myself whenever I pulled of decent attacks. Especially without being hit. I guess that was only made more special considering I pretty much scored a Stone Award for 90% of the chapters. If you need to guess, Stone is not good if there is Platinum involved...

Very much like the Devil May Cry series you get marked on your performance chapter to chapter, and very much like Devil May Cry, you need to land as many hits, in as many variations while being hit as little as possible, as quickly as you can. Now that is not make it sound like every round is speed round, but it certainly helps, and do be honest, I tip my hat to you if you can actually finish some of these guys off that quick!

In terms of the way the game looks, I cannot deny that it is gorgeous to look at. Some of the effects are spectacular; even more so when you picture a long legged vixen use her hair to summon demons that come in the shape of spiders, birds, dragons and other crazy stuff, or giant hands and feet... which you would have seen in the video. Oh and that's the same hair she uses as clothing... remember guys, it's from Japan ok?

How awesome would it be... if gold rings came out of everything that died?! RIGHT?

No but honestly, although I rented it from LoveFILM as I felt really behind in the times, I want to keep it. Really want to keep it. I won't because I like LoveFILM, and my intense gaming makes me not want to touch it again for a while. At least not till I am sore... to be frank it won't be that. It will be because of the Loading screens. I start a level, Loading. I get half way through a level, Loading. I pick up an item, Loading. I PAUSE THE FUCKING GAME, Loading. Do not think for one second I am kidding. This game has to LOAD the pause screen. If it wasn't for the all the tail it was throwing at me I would not have forgiven it. In fact, I am now thinking that is reason it works that way.

She doesn't mind smashing in stone baby-faces either. Actually there's a lot of that...

Should I, however, find Bayonetta on the shelves for £15 or less. It will be mine, oh yes... it will be mine. It was a lot of fun, and watching how some of pros play, I would not mind coming back to it at a later date and hopefully scoring a little higher than Stone. Maybe Paper...

If you have anything you wish to share with me or indeed the readers, feel free to comment or e-mail me at twentfiveand0@hotmail.com - Gamertag Coming Soon