I do recall, not that long ago, a simpler time for me when being pleasant and delightful was a tiny chore. Not even that, perhaps it came as simple as breathing. I also remember back then that I was not yet bored of being relatively broke for a lot of the time; I did not wake every working day wishing that someone would call me to tell me my work place had burned down; I really had not reached the point wherein customer service had become a new found level of hell in which cynicism reared its ugly head and painted a perspective of human behaviour I don't think I ever wanted to see. Both customer and business wanting quality and quantity without the price tag.
Filming and posting my videos is my true escape. While it is a private venture into, perhaps, a pipe-dream, it is also my hobby, my time to spend doing things I enjoy. But now I am looking at it thinking how seriously I need to take it. I recently bought a new piece of hardware to record my videos with, and naturally, it will take some getting used to. What I failed to look into was how to take full control of the quality I was actually recording so I went ahead and filmed 8 videos in one sitting... all of which were filmed with a subscriber of mine who pretty much took the afternoon off to play along. The videos, which actually could have been quite entertaining, have come out sub par, and I wonder what steps to take. A) film them again; B) edit the fuck out of them to make them work (this costs all the time I don't have!); C) give up and eat ice cream for the rest of my life.
The dilemma is actually relatively small, as I sit with less than 10 subscribers at this stage it almost seems redundant to care about how regularly I am posting things. Personally, I am furious. At myself. For allowing this to take place. Of COURSE, you dry run every angle of the hardware before you try and publish anything, of COURSE you ensure that the quality of the FIRST video goes out well, of COURSE you don't ASSUME that everything will work out. STUPID DAN! STUPID STUPID STUPID!! To put things into perspective, I have pretty much fired a gun before checking where the safety is; I have switched on the food processor without looking to see if the lid is on; I began shitting before looking for toilet paper within arms reach.
That's right, I am having a tantrum! I am stomping my feet, waving my arms and screaming my throat coarse. It is silly mistakes like these that make me not trust myself! They make me concerned about my own ability to simply function like everyone else! TWAT!!
I know it may seem melodramatic to you all, and I understand why you might wince at my almost childish response to getting something wrong, but it really was how I felt when I realised what had happened. I even started working on editing everything, but soon stopped and decided to finish off last nights curry take out instead, as it felt less productive and more punishing.
As I reach the end of this post, I actually feel better about the whole thing. Like I put myself through therapy... but the only thing that could make me feel EVEN better is knowing that I am not the only one who goes through this. A moment of moronic relapse that then leads you to a sensation of such shame that you actually begin to question your own function as a human being!!
if it makes you feel better; i still unplug my HDMI connection from my elgato to the xbox whilst its rendering assuming it wont ever crash. when i full well know that every now and then it can, and does crash the elgato render and makes my file corrupt ahaha i grab my pillow and swing it at my bed repeatedly til i feel better
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